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Real Life Humor from the Reader's Digest

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Real Life Humor from the Reader's Digest

We were using live ammunition during maneuvers in Germany when a phosphorus flare fell short, coming perilously close to me and some of my buddies. We did what most people do under such circumstances — we ran for our lives. "Get back to your weapons!" shouted the officer in charge. "Why are you men running?"

As one private ran past him, he answered the officer, "Because we can't fly, sir."



Throughout her pregnancy, my sister Joanne insisted that she wanted no medication during labor. When the big day came, though, she wondered if she had made the right decision.

Knowing my sister's stance on drugs, the midwife did everything else to ease Joanne's pain. "You look uncomfortable," she said at one point. "Would you like to change positions?"

"Yes," Joanne replied. "I want to be the midwife.



Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class.

"Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said.

"Yeah, but look at it from my point of view," he said optimistically. "I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over."



After his marriage broke up, my manager became very philosophical. "I guess it was in our stars," he sighed.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Her astrological sign is the one for earth. Mine is the one for water. Together we made mud."
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Udut, Kenneth on Aug. 30 2009 - # - edit · delete
Crime and Punishment

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?" The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

Submitted by Braeden Silvermist


A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb- blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.

"What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?" Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

"You keep out of this!" she yells. "I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!" Submitted by Nancy Gomes

New Lease on Life

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle- aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.

God says, "No. You have 30 more years to live."

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!

The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.

Up in heaven, she sees God. "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains. "That’s true," says God.

"So what happened?"

God shrugs. "I didn’t recognize you."

Submitted by Hank Chawansky

Vow of Silence

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, "Food bad."

Ten years later, he says, "Bed hard." It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I quit." "I’m not surprised," the head monk says. "You’ve been complaining ever since you got here."

Submitted by Alan Lynch

Talking Dog

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.

"I’ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?" The owner says, "Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!"

Submitted by Harry Nelson

Making Sure

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"

Submitted by Gerald Doka

Power of Perception

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, "I don’t know. It all happened so fast."

Submitted by Debby Carter

Ghostly Music

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. "What’s going on?" he asks a cemetery worker. "It’s Beethoven," says the worker. "He’s decomposing."

Submitted by Jeremy Hone

A Dog's Life

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat."

"Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?" suggests the collie.

"I can’t," says the poodle. "I’m not allowed on the couch."

Submitted by L. B. Weinstein
Udut, Kenneth on Aug. 30 2009 - # - edit · delete
Birthday Present— Mona Turrell My friend and I were celebrating our 40th birthday the same year. As a gag gift, I gave her a CD by the band UB40. For my birthday, she retaliated with a CD as well. The group? U2.

Trouble Speaking— Lola P. Bell I had laryngitis and finally decided to go to the doctor. After the nurse called for me, she asked my age. "Forty-nine," I whispered. "Don't worry," she whispered back. "I won't tell anyone."

Chocolate— Jeffery K. Leibforth As a dentist, I recently tried out a new chocolate-flavored pumice paste on my patients. No one liked it except for a six-year-old boy. While I polished his teeth, he continued to smile and lick his lips. "You must really like this new flavor," I said. "Yep," he replied, nodding with satisfaction. "It tastes just like the time I dropped my candy bar in the sandbox."

Getting the Real Thing-- Rochelle Adelman When a thief snatched a chain necklace a friend of mine was wearing, she grabbed at his collar, trying unsuccessfully to stop his getaway. Asked for the thief's description later, she said, "Don't bother looking for him. He only got a costume-jewelry chain of mine. But when I grabbed him by the collar, I got his chain, and it's real gold!"

God is Watching When I went to a Christian school, I walked into the cafeteria and there on the table was a plate of fruit. Next to it was a sign that said "Take one. God is watching."

Next to the fruit was a plate of cookies, which had a sign next to it, written by a fellow student, that said "Take as many as you want. God is watching the fruit."



Limb by Limb While lopping branches off a tree in his yard, my warrant officer lacerated his leg with a chain saw, requiring a trip to the hospital and stitches.

Our chief decided we should clean up the mess for him. On the office chalkboard were directions to his home, along with this clarification: "It's the house with the limbs in the yard."


= Truth In Advertising Driving along a country road, I ignored a Bridge Out sign and continued on. But in a few miles I came to a stop: The road was completely barricaded so I turned around and retraced my route.

That's when I saw this sign on the back of the first: "It was, wasn't it?"


= Passing the Test One time, I had to tell a candidate that we would not be able to offer him a job because his drug test had come back positive and ours was a drug-free environment.

After a minute he asked, "Can you tell me which one showed up?"
Real Life Humor from the Reader's Digest