Jokes for Sept 15 '09 from my mother (rated PG)
I purchased a new deodorant and the instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, it smells amazing.
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN..... A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep.
It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated,"
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried
You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.
My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?
When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?
THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P. S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs.. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart. Always remember to laugh!! Helps the heart AND the wrinkles!!
P.P.S. Those same thieves come in my closet and shrink my clothes! How do they do it ?
Subject: FW: Potato story
Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the20 other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just...... Are you ready for this? Are you sure? OK! Here it is! A COMMON TATER