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It can be a pretty confounding decision -- what do I keep as a secret and what do I share? Furthermore, with whom do I share? All kinds of elements go into making these kinds of decisions. Loyalty, betrayal, shame, desperation, and ambivalence are among the influences we face. I feel quite strongly, that unless someone is in real danger, we are obligated to allow others to reveal or hide that which is theirs. We do not own another person’s secrets. Probably the most painful emotion we face when we need help with our choices is the feeling of shame. Over the past several years I have encountered so many people who have run into all kinds of losses and disappointments and it is their sense of disgrace that has prevented them from asking for advice or help. We tend to think we’re alone in our dilemmas. Even in my office, I have found that when an individual has a really hard time opening up, that whatever it was they were wishing, yet reluctant, to talk about, is something that many people have encountered and few would regard as shameful. I hear from so many of you about what you believe to be my courage when I share my own personal troubles in these newsletters. It is not so much that I am courageous, it is that I will always try to be as open as possible as I send out these missives that deal with the things in which I believe. If I hide, how can I suggest that you share? If I “pretty” up the facts of my life, why would I ever have credibility? The only real merit in my writing is that what I discuss is about real life, real situations. It has often seemed to my to be to my disadvantage that it is very difficult for me to lie. I am not morally superior, by the way, I merely become flummoxed when the time comes to tell the truth. I can’t even lie to my husband about being the one who finished off the M & M’s when he asks. I flush, become tongue tied and stumble all over myself. You have no idea how often I’ve wished that “bending” the truth came more easily. On the other hand, I don’t have to remember which story I told to whom (I would be terrible at that) so it’s probably best that I get things out of the way from the very beginning. I do share worries with friends. Depending on the situation, I try to ask for counsel from those who I believe can bring me insight or comfort. My husband is not always thrilled that I talk to other people. He is far more private than I am and he probably feels that our difficulties make us look deficient. This is one area on which we will probably never agree. I do make every effort to separate out my worries from his out of respect for his wish for confidentiality. Friends and relatives are in our lives for many important reasons. Sometimes help is offered and then retracted. If your situation is serious, that can be extremely painful. I do believe, however, that when the offer is made it is sincere and the other person has often made a gesture of support before having the opportunity to think about what that would really mean. Most folks would like to help -- they may be at a loss as to the type of help they are prepared to offer. Sometimes a silent listener can do a world of good. Sharing your concerns with the right person -- someone who can understand and lets you know that he/she cares is what chases away the shame. Whatever difficulty you find yourself in, I’m pretty sure you didn’t intend to wind up where you are right now. Yet, we so often blame ourselves -- believing we should have known better, used less haste in decision-making, either following or not following another’s advice. I know I have travelled the road of self-blame and if I couldn’t, or wouldn’t bring myself to talk about what’s on my mind I would be missing an important avenue of relief. Your real friends will be there to care about you regardless of your circumstances. Someone who’s had a good bit of life experience under their belt is always a good resource. If you have no one, then call a professional (shameless self-promotion) and at least put words to what you are feeling. We all need witnesses at one time or another in our lives. It’s comforting and essential to find some way to air and give voice to our troubles. We feel less alone when others know about the fears we are facing. Do not overly concern yourself with the reactions of people you don’t know. Believe me when I tell you that your news becomes old news pretty quickly and those who are judgmental were that way before and will remain that way after your situation is resolved. Bad and good times always pass -- sometimes that can be hard to remember.
“We exaggerate misfortune and happiness alike. We are never as happy or as bad off as we say we are” Honore de Balzac
Ruth Gordon is a psychotherapist in naples, fl. available for office/ phone/ e-mail or skype consultation. call: 239 692-8060

It can be a pretty confounding decision -- what do I keep as a secret and what do I share? Furthermore, with whom do I share? All kinds of elements go into making these kinds of decisions. Loyalty, betrayal, shame, desperation, and ambivalence are among the influences we face. I feel quite strongly, that unless someone is in real danger, we are obligated to allow others to reveal or hide that which is theirs. We do not own another person’s secrets. Probably the most painful emotion we face when we need help with our choices is the feeling of shame. Over the past several years I have encountered so many people who have run into all kinds of losses and disappointments and it is their sense of disgrace that has prevented them from asking for advice or help. We tend to think we’re alone in our dilemmas. Even in my office, I have found that when an individual has a really hard time opening up, that whatever it was they were wishing, yet reluctant, to talk about, is something that many people have encountered and few would regard as shameful. I hear from so many of you about what you believe to be my courage when I share my own personal troubles in these newsletters. It is not so much that I am courageous, it is that I will always try to be as open as possible as I send out these missives that deal with the things in which I believe. If I hide, how can I suggest that you share? If I “pretty” up the facts of my life, why would I ever have credibility? The only real merit in my writing is that what I discuss is about real life, real situations. It has often seemed to my to be to my disadvantage that it is very difficult for me to lie. I am not morally superior, by the way, I merely become flummoxed when the time comes to tell the truth. I can’t even lie to my husband about being the one who finished off the M & M’s when he asks. I flush, become tongue tied and stumble all over myself. You have no idea how often I’ve wished that “bending” the truth came more easily. On the other hand, I don’t have to remember which story I told to whom (I would be terrible at that) so it’s probably best that I get things out of the way from the very beginning. I do share worries with friends. Depending on the situation, I try to ask for counsel from those who I believe can bring me insight or comfort. My husband is not always thrilled that I talk to other people. He is far more private than I am and he probably feels that our difficulties make us look deficient. This is one area on which we will probably never agree. I do make every effort to separate out my worries from his out of respect for his wish for confidentiality. Friends and relatives are in our lives for many important reasons. Sometimes help is offered and then retracted. If your situation is serious, that can be extremely painful. I do believe, however, that when the offer is made it is sincere and the other person has often made a gesture of support before having the opportunity to think about what that would really mean. Most folks would like to help -- they may be at a loss as to the type of help they are prepared to offer. Sometimes a silent listener can do a world of good. Sharing your concerns with the right person -- someone who can understand and lets you know that he/she cares is what chases away the shame. Whatever difficulty you find yourself in, I’m pretty sure you didn’t intend to wind up where you are right now. Yet, we so often blame ourselves -- believing we should have known better, used less haste in decision-making, either following or not following another’s advice. I know I have travelled the road of self-blame and if I couldn’t, or wouldn’t bring myself to talk about what’s on my mind I would be missing an important avenue of relief. Your real friends will be there to care about you regardless of your circumstances. Someone who’s had a good bit of life experience under their belt is always a good resource. If you have no one, then call a professional (shameless self-promotion) and at least put words to what you are feeling. We all need witnesses at one time or another in our lives. It’s comforting and essential to find some way to air and give voice to our troubles. We feel less alone when others know about the fears we are facing. Do not overly concern yourself with the reactions of people you don’t know. Believe me when I tell you that your news becomes old news pretty quickly and those who are judgmental were that way before and will remain that way after your situation is resolved. Bad and good times always pass -- sometimes that can be hard to remember.
“We exaggerate misfortune and happiness alike. We are never as happy or as bad off as we say we are” Honore de Balzac
Ruth Gordon is a psychotherapist in naples, fl. available for office/ phone/ e-mail or skype consultation. call: 239 692-8060

